I Have Grown Up

 

I had time to reflect back on my life, even before the alcohol and the drugs came into play. I grew up in Macedonia until I was about 13 years old, and then I moved to the States. As a little girl, I had been taught to look to women in my family; these become your ideals for life. What I saw from my point of view was that these women were taught to keep quiet and not communicate with their significant others or their families when there was a problem.

All I remember was my mom and my grandma walking away from anything that caused conflict in the family. Any time they spoke up, they were shut down, and to me, this was normal, so it’s what I did all my life; anytime there was a conflict in any of my relationships, I walked away too, and then moved to America at 13, where everything was sexualized. Women were taught that men don’t have emotions, that if you show love and gentleness, you are weak, and men will take advantage of you, and love was shown with money and gifts. So I took all this and made an idea in my head that was completely wrong. My feelings were kept to a minimum, and when I actually showed them, I showed them to the wrong person and got hurt; hence, having feelings makes you weak.

Over the years, I have worked and built a character for myself in the eyes of others that wasn’t my nature at all. I suppressed myself, which, in the long run, made me miserable. I showed love to others with money; in my head, if I was strong financially, no one could touch me or hurt me. I solved everything with gifts and sex, but when it came to real conversation and emotions, I wasn’t available. I treated everyone like they weren’t human and didn’t like it when it was done to me. I used my body like it wasn’t real and basically treated it like a toy.

I don’t blame my family or society for how I turned out and what choices I made, but I’m very happy to see what it can do to a woman, and I’m happy and glad to be a part of very few women to have had the chance to change, to become better and stronger, and to love in all the right ways. And when you add drugs and alcohol to the craziness, it becomes complete chaos, violence, and negativity through which you start to base love and life on sweet nothing.

“I’m glad I had the strength to see the problem with alcohol and drugs and ask for help because I’ve solved many more problems that I didn’t even know I had in my life...”

I’m glad I had the strength to see the problem with alcohol and drugs and ask for help because I’ve solved many more problems that I didn’t even know I had in my life, and I have grown more in the past 7 months than in the last 30 years!

V.R., Student at Narconon Balkan